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TEACHER ARRESTED AT AIRPORT
A public school teacher was arrested today at JFK Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," said the Attorney General. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philandered, Isosceles, used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."