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KIDS ARE QUICK... TEACHER: Mary, go to the map and find North
Killed the cow58251.html
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
The choir had just come out of rehearsal. “Am I to assume that you do a
Barack Obama met a little girl who was watching some kittens.
Dwane the bathtub I’m Dwownig?
Dishes the police! Come out with y
Ad outside a store specializing in jeans-wear: "Ladies have fits
y Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome
doctor who wa
Las Vegas churchs109186.html
Las vegas churches This may come as a surprise to those of you not
living In las
Las Vegas gambling15670.html
A man tells his friend, Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding
"I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislation.
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
Letter to Passport Office.html
An actual letter to the passport office...
I'm in the process of ren
Life after death118492.html
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
Life in the Australian Army.html
Life in the Australian Army...
Life is Unfair.html
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
His father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later....
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse
“I hear your husband is a linguist.”
“Yes, he speaks three languages … golf, foo
How sharp are your listening skills?
Take this simple quiz and find out: • Ho
“This little computer,” said the a sales clerk, “will do half your job
Little Johnny's Take
on the Word "Tragedy".html
Little Johnny's Take on the Word "Tragedy"
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al S
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk with the kids to get a
little PR. A
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Living in 2007109954.html
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when... 1. You accidentally enter your
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we
A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply cam
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a
Husband and wife are shopping in WallMart when the man picks up a case
Visiting a seriously ill lawyer/politician in the hospital, his friend
One day two little boys were arguing about religion. The one boy said
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot
A tired hunter out in the wilds stumble into a camp. “Am I glad to see
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to lo
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey, I just
Teacher: What does your father do for a living? Student: He is a
Make Me Feel Like a Woman.html
MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN... On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
Male Sensitivity Test94338.html
THIS IS THE OFFICIAL MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
1. In the company of females, interc
Man and ostrich126850.html
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What
will it be
Man from Boston108050.html
There once was a man from Boston
who bought himself an Austin
There was room for
Man in Movie Theater13698.html
You are blocking the way, sir, said the usher to a man sprawled in the
Man of the Year31106.html
Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.
Susan said: "My husband w
Man with one arm132808.html
Man with one arm
A man had lost one of his arms. One day he had had it. He deci
Marijuana in the wood pile.html
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes What can I do for you?'
A man is incomplete until he is married… then he is finished.
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the
bed and s
Hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil....
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the cle
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the
Mental Health Hotline73346.html
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are
Tips for investing those big bucks this year Maybe I shouldn't give you
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter sc
Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? To visit Pluto.
Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?
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payments of $560
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they
went to her
“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a taillight.”
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation
Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He
goes to the
Two young idiots were camping out in the forest one night. But the
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During
What is the difference between a mountain goat and a gold fish?
One goes muckin
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a
A mushroom walks into a bar; the bartender says to him, "sorry, we
don’t serve y
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that
My Doctor's Appointment.html
My Doctor's Appointment
You might want to share this with your family and frien
My Living Will.html
MY LIVING WILL Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living
My Living Will147330.html
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and
Naming the babies43277.html
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Natural Born Citizen23682.html
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications
Needing a push54680.html
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out
New Element Discovered, Administratium.html
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This is an update to a previous news rel
New Element Discovered, Bureaucratium.html
New Element Discovered, Bureaucratium
This is an addendum to a previous news re
New Element Discovered, Governmentium.html
New element discovered, Governmentium
Research has led to the discovery of the
New pair of shoes125581.html
A man and his son walk into a shoe store when the sales man asks, "How
can I hel
New Stock Market Terms.html
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS ............ ...
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water
mister to keep
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile
A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, “Do you have
Noah in 2006 In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
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If Noah Had to Build the Ark in 2006
If Noah had to build the ark in 2006, his
Noah, building the Ark.html
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah (who was now living in the
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center,
we are at
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice
Not eating right.html
Man has broccoli in one ear, a carrot in the other
So he goes to the doctor. Do
Barrack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked
in the mir
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where
another man i
Old Farmer's Advice.html
• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. • Keep
Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some
time one sa
Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay
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One of my kids has been telling on me...
I took my dad to the mall the other da
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An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At
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Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
Oscar Meyer Weiner25173.html
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" a
Over 30 crowd104444.html
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!! When I was
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not
For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
A Panhandler who was working Wall Street one day approached a dignified
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large,beautiful
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down
A well-known minister died and arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same
time as a
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot o
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were v
Pen vs Pencil26100.html
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
The young man really liked the perfume the young lady was wearing and
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman,
A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term
Piece of Cake34926.html
Q. Why did the kid eat his homework?
A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The P
Pilot to Navigator142965.html
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it
The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden,
but it wa
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over th
Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?
A. Anything you want, he can’t
Policeman stops a woman driver.html
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a
Political Science 10122399.html
POLITICAL SCIENCE 101
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. Y
Politician dies and goes to Heaven....html
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
“I’d like two pork chops,” asked the woman to her butcher, “and make
I needed to ship a package to Virginia OVERNIGHT.
The OVERNIGHT fee is $36.60 b
Power of Prayer.html
In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started construction of a
building to ho
Power Strip Patrol.html
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for t
An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD
Crawford, Texas -- An unexpected flood e
A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country
Proud to be an American.html
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Psychic Midget Escapes Jail.html
PSYCHIC MIDGET ESCAPES FROM JAIL
v"SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE"
Quiet in church110210.html
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the
way to ch
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rail
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them
to walk a
The comments of a young mother: Before I got married, I had six
theories about b
Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap
A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate
ship came o
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man +
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the U.S.
There is a knock on the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people
Retired People Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to ma
On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States
, Bill Cl
Riddle, What has....html
What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and 3 in the
ROBBERS (A True Story)
One of the best emails I've ever read....
For anyone wh
Doug had just formed his own rock band, and his little brother said one
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a
room, the cle
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was
A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with
his wife ab
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I m
Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they
One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons.
One of th
A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Say it with Flowers22146.html
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign
that read “S
School Answering Machine55170.html
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE (This is hilarious - no wonder some
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of
Mr. Schwartz, a
When you rearrange the letters:
When you re
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the
Sex in the therapist's office.html
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
Sex of Computers77506.html
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands
Shave and a Haircut136705.html
A man walks into a barber shop and asks; “how much for a hair cut?” The
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace?
Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymo
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them
down on th
Two passengers on a ship are talking. “Can you swim?” Asks one.
“No,” says the o
Sisters of St. Francis4631.html
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out o
Sign seen in a veterinarian’s office:
The doctor is in. Sit. Stay.
I am the most athletic skeleton around, no bones about it!
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
Smack his butt57585.html
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can f
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
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This is a test for Smart People.....I have determined that you qualify.
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
Spaghetti anad Meatballs.html
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came
to the dri
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork
for a long
John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's
seat was in
Supermarket surround sounds and smells103554.html
NEW SUPERMARKET SURROUND-SOUND
The new supermarket near our house has an automa
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and t
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOL
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
Take two aspirin.html
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of
A man is walking down the street and sees a sign "talking dog for
sale". He ring
Tardy for school112191.html
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
The Tax Poem
At first I thought this was funny....then I realized the awful tr
A husband asks: "Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Microsoft Tech Support Employee Of The Month
I am sure many of you have spoken
Q: "Why couldn't the Indian get into his tee pee?
A: He had no reservations.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram.
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats. Chicago
ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position o
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
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Texas Drinking Rule
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
The Bargain Parrot.html
The Bargain Parrot
A woman was looking for a pet to keep her company at home. S
The Bear and the Hunter41346.html
One day a hunter saw a bear and was about to fire when the bear held up
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo
The Car Loan72702.html
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to b
The Dam This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries
The Doctor's Office73195.html
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
The Good Wife147586.html
Such a good wife
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says
The Half Wit.html
The Half Wit A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan. The
The Hearing Aide61346.html
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
The Nun and the Cabbie.html
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in fr
The Pastor's Donkey.html
The Pastor's Donkey ****************************** The pastor entered
The Pastor's Donkey114595.html
The Pastor's Donkey
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pasto
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
Cardiologist, he info
The patient staggered to the pharmacy counter flinching.
“Say, would you give me
Dear Bo$$ In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I
think you $h
The Rattlesnake and the Alligator.html
Do you know the fable about the Rattlesnake and the alligator?
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
All Seniors Aren't Senile!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry sto
One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go
into the kit
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he
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A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
In a darken theater where the suspenseful mystery story was being
staged, a memb
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They Walk Among Us ... and they vote
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The cle
Things Have Gender50050.html
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
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His father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later....
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Three Little Pigs73935.html
The Three Little Pigs Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons
and they wa
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too
Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood – down
alleys, up fire
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Tools And Their Proper Use
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for su
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us
LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
Transfusions American Medical Association researchers have made
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the
A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood.
Two truck drivers applied for a job. One said, “I’m Joe and this is my
A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the
Two Arabs and a Coke55426.html
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and
the other s
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he
Two Ghosts were talking....67714.html
Two ghosts were talking. One said to the other, "I think I've been here
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Ta
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),and the
Under the stars139208.html
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject
line, do n
Vacation in Jerusalem26754.html
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were t
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living
At the vending machine a man put a coin and watched powerlessly while
the cup fa
Ya gotta love it....
This concept would cross over into a wide variety of diff
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, w
The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.
As she step
WARNING FROM PAKISTAN.html
WARNING FROM PAKISTAN
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliba
Water into wine109616.html
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at
You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman... It was two o'clock in the morning
and a hu
At an Italian wedding ceremony, the priest asked the bride, “Do you
Wee Scottish Tale.html
Wee Scottish Tale. A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter,” he barked, “did
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was p
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The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his
When I die.html
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his
sleep -- not
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Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood.
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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store
Who's working anyway? The population of this country is 300 million.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?.html
Why did the chicken cross the road? BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed
Why, why, why.html
Why, Why, Why,
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded fr
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
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In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
(by Mr. We
Woman's Perfect Breakfast74626.html
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet
A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to
Quote from Paris Hilton:
"Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink
A girl involved with the women’s lib group boarded a crowded bus and
one man ros
Women's Verbal Skills.html
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than m
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again
Working at the Zoo59778.html
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened,
World's Worst Conductor5337.html
The world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice
for an u
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
Wrong Email Address.html
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
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A senior couple decided to go shopping one day, and split their efforts
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After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather
Zen of Sarcasm.html
The Zen of Sarcasm
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk a