Sympathetic Vibratory Physics -It's a Musical Universe!
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Topic: Jokes
Section: Internet Advice
Table of Contents to this Topic
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about rat poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

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Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

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I no longer have any savings, because I gave them to a sick girl named Penny Brown, who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

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I no longer have any  money  at all,  but that will change  once I receive the $15,000.00  that  Bill Gates/Microsoft  and  AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

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I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

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I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

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I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

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Thanks to you I have learned my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven (7) of my friends,  and make a wish within five (5) minutes.

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Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

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I no longer can buy gasoline  without  taking a man along  to watch the car,  so a  serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

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I no longer drink  Pepsi or  Dr. Pepper  since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to print "Under God" on their cans.

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I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

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And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it  will blow up in my  face, disfiguring me for life.

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I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS virus.

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I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

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I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

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I no longer shop at  Target since they are  French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

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I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and  Uzbekistan.

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I no longer have any sneakers ... but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

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I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

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Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

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Thank you too, for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.  I can live a better life now because he's told us how  to fix everything.

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And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5.00 bill someone dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

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Oh, and don't forget this one either !
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies !

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If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next seventy (70) minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a big hairy hump.  I know this will occur because it actually did happen to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician ...
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