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Topic: Jokes
Section: New Element Discovered, Administratium
Table of Contents to this Topic
New Element Discovered, Administratium

This is an update to a previous news release. The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, now known officially as Administratium, is electrically neutral, having neither protons nor electrons, and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have:

1 neutron
75 vice-neutrons
111 assistant vice-neutrons
125 associate assistant vice-neutrons

It thus has an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a strong, cohesive bonding force which involves the continuous exchange of meson-like elementary particles called morons.

Since it is electrically neutral, Administratium is chemically inert. However, it can be detected indirectly by its ability to impede nearly every action with which it comes in contact. In fact it was precisely this characteristic which led the research team to its discovery, when it found that a certain reaction which is normally exothermic and occurs in under one millisecond was observed to be endothermic, with an energy input 3500 times greater than normal, and took four days to complete.

Administratium is a man-made element and does not occur naturally. It apparently is formed as a by-product of organizational growth processes. It is found in greatest abundance in government agencies, large corporations, and academia. In extremely minute amounts it may actually serve a useful purpose in normal reactions by catalyzing the full release and exchange of energy among the reactive particles. However, in the typical growth process, Administratium seems to self-replicate at an alarming rate, eventually repelling, although occasionally absorbing, reactive particles.

Unlike both naturally occurring and man-made radioactive substances which decay continuously due to their nuclear instability, Administratium, although also unstable, undergoes self-replication with a normal doubling time of about nine years. This replication appears to occur as a discrete process rather than continuously, and is associated with periodic reorganizations which occur at more-or-less regular time intervals of approximately three years. At these times, vice neutrons, assistant vice-neutrons, and associate assistant vice-neutrons exchange places, and roughly 1/6 of them generate additional Half-Secretarium particles, which soon quietly and mysteriously mutate to become Full-Secretarium particles.

Administratium undergoes spontaneous chain reactions once it attains critical mass, at which point it is no longer controllable and consumes its host system along with itself. However, unlike nuclear fission and fusion reactions which are exothermic and release vast amounts of energy at criticality, Administratium induces an endothermic process of fractionation and energy diffusion in which the system spins about itself in ever diminishing circles as it implodes, consuming vast amounts of energy. At this point, all productive reactions among non-Administratium particles, as well as replication and mutation of Administratium itself, cease as the system slowly disintegrates. Indeed, it has been found that Administratium apparently cannot exist alone, having been found only in the presence of active particles.

Research is currently underway to determine how Administratium can be harnessed or controlled to prevent irreversible damage to productive host systems.

Results to date, however, are not promising.
See Also:

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