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Style Invitational
 
The Washington Posts "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 
Here are some recent winners.
 
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
 
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
 
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
 
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesnt get it.
 
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
 
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
 
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
 
Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like a serious bummer.
 
Glibido: All talk and no action.
 
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they comeat you rapidly.
 
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
 

A third grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with rest. Their insight may surprise you...
__________________________
 
Better to be safe than . . . . . . . . .Punch a 5th grader.
 
Strike While the . . . . . . . . . . . .Bug is close.
 
Its always darkest . . . . . . . . . . . .before Daylight Savings time.
 
Never underestimate the power of . . .Termites.
 
You can lead a horse to water but . . . . . .how?
 
Dont bite the hand that . . . . . . . . .looks dirty.
 
No news is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .impossible.
 
A miss is as good as a . . . . . . . . .Mr.
 
You cant teach an old dog . . . . . . . . .new math.
 
If you lie down with dogs, youll . . . . . .stink in the morning.
 
Love all, trust . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .me.
 
The pen is mightier than the . . . . . .pigs.
 
An idle mind is . . . . . . . . . . . .The best way to relax.
 
Where theres smoke theres . . . . . .Pollution.
 
Happy the bride who . . . . . . . . .gets all the presents.
 
A penny saved is . . . . . . . . . . . .not much.
 
Twos company, threes . . . . . . . . .the Musketeers.
 
Dont put off till tomorrow what . . . . . .you put on to go to bed.
 
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . .you have to blow your nose.
 
None are so blind as . . . . . . . . .Helen Keller.
 
Children should be seen and not . . . . . .spanked or grounded.
 
If at first you dont succeed . . . . . . . . .get new batteries.
 
You get out of something what you . . .see pictured on the box.
 
When the blind leadeth the blind . . . . . .get the *$% out of the way.


Vat Iss Ludvig Doingk?

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyards caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

Dont you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

Hes decomposing.

"Why is it that when we talk to God were said to be praying, but when God talks to us were schizophrenic?"--Lily Tomlin


MAJOR U.S. RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT!!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Wayne Green
wayne@facilitation.com

Here are some bizarre state laws- (your employees are spending your money on this stuff...)
 

Alabama

-In Jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
-It is illegal to play dominos on Sunday.
-It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
-Putting salt on a railroad is punishable by death.
 
Alaska
-In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. Moose are also not allowed to have sex on city streets.
-While it is legal to shoot bears, waking bears for the purpose of taking a picture is prohibited.
 
Arizona
-In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants.
-In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
-In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.
-In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders.
 
Arkansas
-A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
-In Fayetteville, it is illegal to kill "any living creature."
-Schoolteachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.
-Flirtation between members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
 
California
-In LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
-It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of animal from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
-In Pacific Grove, "molesting" butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
-In Pasadena, it is illegal for a secretary to be in a room alone with her boss.
-It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
-In Long Beach, it is illegal to curse on a miniature golf course.
-In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe ones car with used underwear.
-In Ventura County, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit
-It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.
 
Colorado
-In Durango, it is illegal to go out in public wearing clothes "unbecoming" to ones sex.
-In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
-In Pueblo, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits.
 
Connecticut
-In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog.
-It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
-In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.
-In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
 
Delaware
-in Lewes, it is illegal to wear pants that are form-fitting around the waist.
-Getting married on a dare is grounds for annulment.
-It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
 
Florida
-In Miami, it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
-Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
-It is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
-In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.
 
Georgia
-All males in the state between the ages of 16-50 are required to work on public roads.
-In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on ones porch in an indecent position.
-In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
-It is illegal to change the clothes of a storefront mannequin unless the shades are drawn.
 
Hawaii
-It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.
-It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit.
 
Idaho
-In Pocatello, "the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."
-Also in Pocatello, "It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the citys reputation."
-If a police officer in Coeur dAlene suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
-Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.
 
Illinois
-In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being "an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public.
-In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in ones pajamas.
-Again in Chicago, it is illegal to take a French Poodle to the opera.
-According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
-Also by state law, women must address bachelors as master instead of mister.
-In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 lbs. to ride
 
horses in shorts.
-A law in Oblong makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
-In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.
 
Indiana
-Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
-In Gary, it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.
-The Stepford Wives is banned in Warsaw.
 
Iowa
-State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.
-In Ames a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
-In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.
 
Kansas
-It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.
-In Wichita, a mans mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.
-Also in Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
-In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
-In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped suit.
 
Kentucky
-It is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is; escorted by at least 2 police officers; armed with a club; or lighter than 90 lbs. or heavier than 200 lbs. The ordinance also specifically exempts female horses from such restrictions.
-State law stipulates that a person is considered sober until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
-It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.
 
Louisiana
-In New Orleans, fire trucks are required to stop at all red lights.
-Also in New Orleans, it is considered "simple assault" to bite someone. It is "aggravated assault" if the biter has false teeth.
-It is against the law to gargle in public.
 
Maine
-In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
-The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
-In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite the landlord.
-In Waterville, it is illegal to blow ones nose in public.
 
Maryland
-In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get.
-Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offence.
-In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.
-It is illegal to mistreat oysters.
-It is illegal to play Randy Newmans "Short People" on the radio.
 
Massachusetts
-In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms.
-It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
-North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
-State legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.
-In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
-In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
 
Michigan
-In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens."
-A state law stipulates that a womans hair legally belongs to her husband.
-In Detroit, it is illegal to "ogle" a woman from a moving vehicle.
-In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your property.
-In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances is 20 m.p.h.
-Under state law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."
 
Minnesota
-Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
-In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
-A law in Alexandria makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
-Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
-Its illegal to tease skunks.
 
Mississippi
-It is still legal to kill ones "servant."
-In Truro, a would-be groom must "prove himself manly" prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.
 
Missouri
-In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that "might frighten timid persons, children, or animals."
-In St. Louis, it is illegal for a fireman to rescue a woman in a nightgown; in order to be rescued, a woman must be fully clothed.
-While children may purchase shotguns in Kansas City, they are not allowed to buy toy cap guns.
-Missouri considers drunkenness an "inalienable right."
 
Montana
-It is a felony for a wife to open her husbands mail.
-A Helena law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.
-It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
 
-In Bozeman, you cant perform any sexual acts nude in the front yard of any home, after sundown.
-In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the tires.
 
Nebraska
-It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
-If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his/her parents may be arrested.
-In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden to eat onions between 7 am and 7 PM.
-Hotel owners in Hastings are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
-And in Omaha, barbers are forbidden to shave their customers chests.
-It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
 
Nevada
-In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
-It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
-Everyone walking on the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask.
-In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
 
New Hampshire
-It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
-It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name.
 
New Jersey
-It is against the law to frown at a police officer.
-In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
-It is illegal to slurp soup.
-According to a Liberty Corner law, any couple that accidentally sounding the horn while making out in a car may be taken to jail.
-In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.
 
New Mexico
-In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.
-The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary is banned in Carlsbad.
-During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
-State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.
 
New York
-In NYC, it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."
-In NYC, it is illegal for a man to turn around and look " at a woman in that way," and violators are forced to wear horse blinders.
-In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."
-In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand."
 
North Carolina
-In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
-In Ashville, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.
-Ironically, Horneytown has banned all massage parlors.
-State law mandates that couples staying in hotels for one night must be kept in rooms with double beds, kept a minimum of two feet apart, and making love on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden.
-it is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.
 
North Dakota
-In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even wearing one to a function where dancing is taking place.
-It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
-It is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club, or restaurant.
 
Ohio
-in Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
-In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell Cornflakes on Sundays.
-In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a mans picture. in Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
-Catch 22 is banned in Strongville.
 
Oklahoma
-People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
-In Schulter, it is illegal for a woman to gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.
-Whale hunting is strictly forbidden throughout the entire state.
-Clinton has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
-In Tulsa, kisses lasting more than three minutes are forbidden.
 
Oregon
-One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., that which covers ones body from neck to knee.
-The town of Hood River prohibits juggling without a license.
-In Willowdale, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
-Salem has barred womens wrestling.
-In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
 
Pennsylvania
-"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
-In Morrisville, women need a permit to wear cosmetics.
-Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
-In Harrisburg, it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
 
Rhode Island
-In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on Sunday.
-It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
-In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after summer.
 
South Carolina
-Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to church.
-No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
-In Charleston, all carriage horses must wear diapers.
 
South Dakota
-It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
-Hotels in Sioux Falls are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
-Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.
 
Tennessee
-It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
-In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
-In Memphis, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home.
-Also in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
 
Texas
-The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
-A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of crime to be comitted.
-In El Paso, churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required at the expense of the owners to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."
-It is illegal to milk another persons cow.
-In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
-In LeFors, it is illegal to take more the three swallows of beer at any one time while standing.
-In Kingsville there is a law against two pigs having sex on the citys airport property.
-In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
-In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
 
Utah
-Birds have the right of way on all highways.
-A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
-In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dancefloor.
-A Tremonton law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the womans name will be published in the local newspaper.
 
Vermont
-Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
-It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
-It is illegal to whistle underwater.
 
Virginia
-In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
-In Norfolk, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a womans derriere.
-No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk.
-There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than candidates."
-in Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
 
Washington
-In Seattle, women who sit on mens laps on busses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
-in Auburn, men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
-Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
-It is illegal to pretend ones parents are rich.
 
West Virginia
-In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.
-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
-It is illegal to sneeze on a train.
-Citizens of West Virginia are allowed to have intercourse with an animal as long as it is over 14 pounds. The law used to state 40 pounds but was lowered due to an increasing amount of complaints.
 
Wisconsin
-In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
-It is illegal to cut a womans hair.
-In Connorsville, no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
-It is illegal to kiss on a train.
-Cheese making requires a cheese makers license; Limburger cheese
making requires a master cheese makers license.
 
Wyoming
-It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples view in a theater or place of amusement (Like the shoot-out thing).
-It is illegal for a woman to stand within 5 feet of a bar while drinking.

Shine your light on me...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you"?

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "Im just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"

"Moses," Replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered:

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus!"


Open Season

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.

You dont even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you cant bait em."


ONLY IN AMERICA - Submitted by Boneswish

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...


Breakfast in Japan - Breakfast Anyone?

A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Japan, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

(Be warned, youre going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "Best e-mail of 1997")

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

Room Service: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh..yes..Id like some bacon and eggs"

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

Room Service: "Hokay. An San tos?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "San tos. July San Tos?"

Guest: "I dont think so"

Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I dont know what judo one toes means."

Room Service: "Toes! toes!... Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

Guest: "English muffin!! Ive got it! You were saying Toast. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bother?"

Guest: "No..just put the bother on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and thats all."

Room Service: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy..rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say"

Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud"

Guest: "Youre welcome"


Dilbertesque contest submissions...

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submittals.

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we cant let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! Weve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and Ill let you know when its time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldnt edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our companys training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR directors office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldnt stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)


The following are actual statements made during court cases:

Judge: I know you, dont I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: Thats not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.

Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiffs Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiffs Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, Im not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiffs doctor.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isnt interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendants motion?
Public Defender: Im sorry, Your Honor. I wasnt listening.

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, its kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: Id hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I cant do anything about that. Theres no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think youre a son of a bitch.


Cobol Jack

There was this COBOL programmer who was living and working in the mid to late 1990s. His name was Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers, Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. Hed become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. Inasmuch as most of the systems in desperate need for Year 2000 conversions were written in the relatively archaic COBOL computer language, Jack was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different, highly profitable gigs. Unfortunately, he was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth a lot of bucks.

The problem arose when after several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack, he had begun to have problems sleeping and having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated, but by this time, Jack had become really quite wealthy. In fact, the cost was no object and he was thrilled at the prospect that the next thing he would know would be that hed wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day, and with nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

Jack was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting, "I cant believe it!", and "Its a miracle," and "Hes alive!". There were cameras (unlike any hed ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldnt contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?," he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jacks cryogenic receptacle, it hadnt been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldnt get too excited about such an unimportant detail inasmuch as there was someone very important who wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But Im curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10,000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".


Barking Dogma?

Nathan Shumate wrote: > > ... I think youre barking at shadows.

Perhaps this is just a mere case of someones karma running down anothers dogma.

Or could it be someones dogma driving anothers karma?

Is a license required for dogma to drive karma?

Or is this just dogma barking up the wrong tree?

He who laughs last does just that: laughing last.

But does that laughter last?


Quotes on the Nature of the Universe

Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."

Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and Im not sure about the former."

Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who cant remember where they leave things."

Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesnt have to experience it."

Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

Woody Allen: "Im astounded by people who want to know the universe when its hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."

Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I dont know what its a plan for."

Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."

Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton: "Im worried that the universe will soon need replacing. Its not holding a charge."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."


News (not) Flash:

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Washington DC. BATF search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a coworker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"


"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?" said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."


While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddys password! I know Daddys password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"


A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "Im sorry," I told him. "I havent kept up with computers much since your last purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."


Little Girl to her friend: "Im never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."


When my printers type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printers manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually its my bosss idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."


A revised oldie: MICROSOFT vs. GM (Part 2) - Submitted by Jay Seinfeld

This is a worthwhile update of an old joke. Enjoy

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.


Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isnt that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when theyre all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you dont have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to "I Vs" as "4s"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Should you trust a stockbroker whos married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Wheres the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isnt Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Sooner or later, doesnt EVERYONE stop smoking?

Isnt the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesnt determine whos right, just whos left.

How can something be a Safety Hazard?


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face.

The egg is frowning, looking pissed off.

The egg mutters to herself, "well, I guess we answered THAT question".


"Hide not skeletons in thine own closet, for they will rattle when ye least expect them." (Cayce 3246-1)


Some more of Bens arithmetic 8^)

There are tree trees . Tree+tree+tree= 9

The trees get dirt on them after a while. Now there are tree, dirty trees, and Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree is 99.

During the night a rabbit comes by and poops a little by each tree. Now we have dirty tree and a turd+dirty tree and a turd+dirty tree and a turd. Add them together = 100 even . (submitted by Ben of course!)


A person asked Buddha: "Are you a God ?"

Buddhas reply was "No."

"Are you an Angel ?"

"No."

"Then what are you ?"

"I am Awake."


"A mighty oak tree was once a nut that stood its ground"


Some grade school teachers keep journals

of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

- One byproduct of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Food for Thought

If youre headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

For every 60 seconds of anger, you lose one minute of happiness.

Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the mute can speak.

When you see someone without a smile, give him one of yours.

I do not think happiness is too hard to find -- it is how you treat it once you get hold of it that counts.

What holds you together is far greater than what can tear you apart.

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

Respect costs nothing.

Life is like a soap opera. God is the head writer; your story line keeps changing; its a daily event; and there are Friday cliffhangers.

Dont marry the person you think you can live with. Marry the one you cant live without.

I complained I had no shoes til I met a man who had no feet.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which had been opened for us.

The days are very long, but the years are very short.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.

Answer just what the heart prompts you.

The heart is wiser than the intellect.

Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.

Speak only well of people, and you need never whisper.

Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time.

Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need.

Wise men learn more from fools, than fools from wise men.

Get your mind set; confidence will lead you on.

It is better to share happiness than keep it to yourself.

Be direct; usually one can accomplish more that way.

Prayer is the language of the heart.

So you think youre computer-illiterate?

Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system couldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computers "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldnt be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in , the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computers mouse...

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "Im sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, its attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, its because I am Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldnt stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Headlines from Jane

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Thing We Can Learn From Dogs

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When its in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when theyve invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Stop when youve had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something youre not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When youre happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often youre scolded, dont buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

English Anyone?

Lets face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins werent invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didnt preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

The 50 top oxymorons:

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works

***********************

The following signs were spotted ...

On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrists Office: "If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place."

On a Scientists door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermists window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrists window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butchers window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaners Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teachers door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "Weve got what it takes to take what youve got." (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Dont stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, well wait."

In a Counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

***********************

"All those who believe in pychokenisis , Raise my hand."

***********************

The following two additions are courtesy of Belinda and Anna in Australia:

Three married couples were taking a trip around Darwin and unfortunately were involved in a fatal car accident and they all died and went to see St. Peter at the pearly gates.

Peter told them before they were allowed to go to heaven he had to assess them. He looked at the husband of the first couple and said to him:- "You, all you did on earth was drink, drink, drink. You visited every pub in the area and drank all your money away and left nothing for the wife and kids. You even married a woman called "Sherry". Off you go, we dont need your type here".

He then looked at the next couple and said to the husband:-

"And you, all you ever did on earth was gamble. You went to all the horse races and wasted your money at casinos, and never had any money over for food for your family. You even married a woman called "Penny". Off you go, we dont need your type here".

Before St. Peter could say something to the third husband, the husband looked at his wife and said, "Lets get out of here Fanny".

***********************

A man and woman (not related) got into a lift at the top floor of a high rise building. When the lift door closed the lift cable suddenly broke and the lift came hurtling towards the ground. The terrified woman looked at the man in the lift and said to him, "Please do something for me before we die". The man said "Okay, what?" She then said, "Make me feel like a woman again". The man said okay, took off his shirt and handed it to the woman and said, "Here, iron that"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(*u*) {;-) (*v*) {:-) (*_*) (*u*) {;-) (*v*) {:-) (*_*) (*u*) {;-) (*v*) {:-) (*_*)

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

(Author Unknown)

Dont you wish when life is bad

and things just dont compute,

That all we really had to do

was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,

life could be so sweet

If we had those special keys

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete...

Your boss is mad, your bills arent paid,

your hubby, well hes just mute

Just stop and hit those wonderful keys

hat make it all reboot...

Youd like to have another job

but you fear living in the street?

You solve it all and start anew,

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete...

(*u*) {;-) (*v*) {:-) (*_*) (*u*) {;-) (*v*) {:-) (*_*) (*u*) {;-) (*v*) {:-) (*_*)

Ticket, please...

(Author Unknown)

Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.

"Watch and youll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers dont buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA.

"Watch and youll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please."

click to see another 650+ jokes

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